“This is naff. This is mega-naff. And what’s more, I’m out of Nitro.”
Welcome back to the weekly installment of “This is Space Stuff. Pay Attention!” where I’ve been giving a tour of Ace’s appearances in Doctor Who. Last week I gave a rundown of the second episode of the serial Dragonfire, where Radagast the Brown, Rumpleteazer, Tree Fu Tom, and Daryl from Cockneys vs Zombies became friends with a xenomorph. This week we’re looking at the third and final episode.
Though, a fair warning this time there’s not quite as much material to joke about. This is the episode where tension ramps up, the scenes clip along a lot quicker, and the level of ham on display is sadly lacking now that Belasz is out of the picture.
Last we left off, our intrepid heroes had discovered the treasure of Iceworld was in fact a powerful jewel hidden in the head of the biomechanical alien “dragon” that according to legend had been guarding it, and Kane had broken the fourth wall to tell us that at last after three thousand years it would be his.
Now we’re back with Kane, who tells security that there is an “aggressive non terrestrial” (an A.N.T. if you will) that needs to be taken out. And who better to call in on an A.N.T. hunt than some space marines with a bazooka.
Meanwhile, Glitz has his eye on taking the dragon’s treasure himself, which Ace effectively shuts down by threatening to rivet his kneecaps together if he so much as looks at their new friend funny. The Doctor ignores them to continue puzzling over all the exposition about Kane’s backstory they were given last week. Kane’s home planet of Proamon sounds familiar, but he can’t quite place it. He wants to return to his ship to check the star charts and Ace jumps at the chance to see his spaceship. Mel points out they don’t have time for that kind of trip, the kind of sensible answer that Ace doesn’t appreciate getting in the way of her checking out his sweet ride.
Glitz points out that there’s a star chart in the nearby Ice Garden that he can check out. As the Doctor heads out Glitz decides to accompany him but insists, once again, that the girls should stay behind. The Doctor puts a stop to this, however, saying that Glitz is the one who should be left behind and he asks Ace and Mel to keep an eye on him so that he doesn’t make a mess of things. Instead, he takes the dragon on his little excursion.
The next scenes jump quickly between the Doctor asking the dragon for directions, the space marines on their A.N.T. hunt using what is literally the tracking device from Alien, Kane defrosting the rest of his mercenaries and telling them to spread terror across the upper levels of Iceworld, and of course the best bit: Mel suggesting to Ace that they play some I Spy to pass the time.
While the Doctor notes that the star chart the dragon has shown him is so out of date, the alien must have been here for thousands of years, Ace mopes about being out of nitro. Mel suggests they could go back to her room to get more, but Glitz turns down the “homemade stuff” and mentions he has some commercial grade explosives on his ship. However, since his character this episode is entirely made up of “Sleazy Deals” and “No Girls Allowed” he once again forces Mel and Ace to stay behind. Ace, resigned to her fate, turns to Mel and says she spies something that starts with “I.” Surprise, it’s ice.
The zombified mercenaries make their way to the Diner and take out Ace’s old boss, a few other customers, but pass over a young girl who hides under the tables. The space marines catch up the the Doctor and the dragon, who covers the Doctor’s escape with his laser beams. Kane, still drained from the attempts to overheat him earlier, is forced to go back into his stasis chamber to cool down again.
Ace spies something that starts with M, but we never get to figure out what it is as the Doctor shows up. He has a plan to stop the creature and Kane. The space marines notice that the tracker is going crazy, the A.N.T. seems to be everywhere, but it turns out the young girl from earlier was throwing things off. Which is enough of a distraction for the dragon to jump out and take out one of the space marines. Unlike Newt, this little girl is charmed by witnessing the brutal attack and smiles at the creature. The dragon, in return, picks her up and carries her back to the shopping area from the start of Dragonfire. And since children are magnetically attracted to places that can kill them, she finds her way into the (thankfully empty) mercenary freezing chamber.
The Doctor explains to Mel and Ace that Kane will keep hunting the dragon until they can prove to him that the star charts in the catacombs are out of date, and in order to do so he’ll need to go to the TARDIS.
Glitz arrives at the docking bay to find that the rest of the tourists have hijacked it in an attempt to escape. He’s locked out just as the ship takes off, and watches as Kane blows it up.
Ace finally gets her introduction to the TARDIS, complete with the “it’s bigger on the inside” spiel as given by Mel. The Doctor is too busy consulting his own star charts, which state that Proamon doesn’t even exist. He chides Mel and Ace for disrupting his planning with their chatting and I’m fairly certain if the TARDIS was in flight he would’ve threatened to turn it around right then, young ladies.
Glitz searches for the Doctor and runs into that girl’s mother (who just so happens to be that lady Ace dumped a milkshake on from earlier) who has just now realized that her child is missing.
Ace decides to split up from the group to head back to her quarters, explaining that she doesn’t feel properly dressed without a couple of cans of nitro. Neither Doughnut nor the Professor are genre savvy enough to realize the inevitability of her kidnapping the moment they decide to part ways.
The Space Marines finally take out the dragon, and on Kane’s orders try to disconnect the head. They learn the hard way that it had a self destruct feature.
The Doctor and Mel stumble upon the aftermath, and the Doctor explains that the dragon was set to release an energy surge the moment the head was taken off. Mel asks what the plan is now, and the Doctor answers, “We’ll finish its job for it, and put an end to all this death and destruction.”
Glitz, meanwhile, has made his way to Ace’s room and finds that the door has been frozen right off its hinges. The Doctor and Mel meet up with him there, and they all bicker over whose fault it is that she got lost in the first place.
Kane sends a message over the intercom in the most traditional supervillain fashion, offering a deal. The dragonfire for the girl, and even does some Snidley Whiplash levels of gloating, referring to the deal as a “closing out sale” for Iceworld and suggesting they hurry while stocks last. As reluctant as the Doctor is, he decides to take Kane up on the offer. “We’ve no choice. The creature’s already dead. Ace is still alive.”
A quick cut to the child putting her teddy bear in Kane’s stasis chamber and then we’re back with the team preparing to make the trade for Ace. The Doctor taunts Kane into monologuing just a bit, though it really doesn’t seem like he’s the type that needs any coaxing. He confirms that the dragon was built to be his jailor, as well as the guardian of the only power source that could power up the whole of Iceworld.
When Kane asks Mel to bring him the dragonfire for the trade, she refuses. Ace, stunned, tries to get Mel to rethink that. “I’m sixteen. I’m too young to be freeze dried!” The Doctor gives Mel permission to hand over the dragonfire, which Kane uses to power up Iceworld and reveal that the whole colony is in fact a spaceship. Kane declares that finally his hour of vengeance has come, but the Doctor tells Kane to check out his star charts. Now that the ship has been powered on, the charts have updated themselves.
“Your planet, your people, your entire race were destroyed one thousand years after you were exiled… Look at the sun of Proamon. When you left, it was a cold red giant surrounded by freezing planets…Your sun turned supernova two thousand years ago, and all its planets were engulfed in the explosion. Your people were annihilated, your planet obliterated. You’re too late, Kane, for your revenge. You have no home. Time has flowed by.“
This knowledge causes Kane to open up the shutters, letting in unfiltered sunlight, and…remember how I mentioned that this was a family show and we shouldn’t expect to see much? Well…
We got ourselves a proper Indiana Jones PG ending for Kane, and all that’s left is the wrapup. Glitz takes control of the ship Iceworld, renaming it the Nosferatu II. And Mel decides it’s time for her and the Doctor to part ways. It’s a rather sudden, but incredibly sweet sendoff that paraphrasing couldn’t hope to do justice to.
Mel tries to get sappy but the Doctor, never having been comfortable with goodbyes, tries to dodge around the subject.
“That’s right, yes, you’re going. Been gone for ages. Already gone, still here, just arrived, haven’t even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time…I’m sorry, Mel. Think about me when you’re living your life one day after another, all in a neat pattern. Think about the homeless traveller and his old police box, with his days like crazy paving.”
Mel laughs at his little speech and answers, “Who said anything about home? I’ve got much more crazy things to do yet.”
Right on cue Glitz steps in with Ace in tow, telling the Doctor that the Nosferatu II is ready to go, and he’s set to take Ace back to Perivale. Which she seems less than enthusiastic about. Mel volunteers to join his crew, which the Doctor is pleased by. She’s sure to keep him away from dodgy deals. She turns back to the Doctor and mentions to him that Ace really doesn’t have anywhere else to go. And promises to keep in touch by sending him some postcards. When he mentions he doesn’t have an address she answers with one of her more iconic lines in the show, “Oh, I’ll put it in a bottle and throw it into space. It’ll reach you, in time.”
As Mel and Glitz leave, Ace goes to follow and the Doctor asks just where she thinks she’s going. Ace answers, Perivale, and he responds with “Ah yes, but by which route? The direct route with Glitz, or the scenic route? Well? Do you fancy a quick trip round the twelve galaxies and then back to Perivale in time for tea?”
Ace is delighted to stick around, but the Doctor lays down a few ground rules for travelling with him. First, he’s in charge. Second, she can stop calling him Professor, his name is the Doctor. And the third…well…he’ll figure something out by the time they make it back ‘round to Perivale.
A quick cut to the TARDIS taking off, and the little girl (now back with her mother) waving goodbye and that’s it for Dragonfire! Next week will be a bit of a wrap-up where I talk a bit about some things that didn’t quite fit in the flow of these summaries such as some behind the scenes facts, things that were different in the novelisation, and so on.
Ace to English Guide
“Rivet your kneecaps” – Threat. It’s self explanatory, really. I just wanted an excuse to bring it up again.
“Lay one finger on the dragon, bilge bag, and I’ll rivet your kneecaps together.”
“Wind up” – Noun. A trick.
“This isn’t another wind up, is it? I mean, I really am going to see your spacecraft, aren’t I?”
“Clever Dick” – Noun. A smart-alec. Someone who tries desperately to impress.
“Don’t come all clever dick with me. What’s going on?”
What’s Ace Carrying Today?
Nothing today, sadly, though she did try to replenish her nitro stock before she got kidnapped.
Nicole Petit
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