I imagine the production meeting to discuss this episode going something like this: You know, we have access to clips from 20th Century Fox’s entire oeuvre of biblical epics. Tony (James Darren) looks great in a skirt. Doug (Robert Colbert) can rock a pair of sandals. Why not meld all three and make something churchy? And thus, it was written. The script, I mean. Not a great script, filled with lots of running around, fistfights, duplicitous maids, and noble harlots wearing ten pounds of eyeshadow.
The Walls of Jericho opens with Tony and Doug almost literally falling into the action. Within seconds of dropping into a desert encampment, they’re in a vicious brawl inside what looks like a Barnum & Bailey’s sideshow tent. They lose and are about to be cuffed when an imposing, bearded fellow in a knee-length tunic and Jason Momoa hair steps in.
“Wait!” he cries in a booming voice. “I am Joshua, commander of the Israelites.”
Having flunked out of Sunday school, I don’t know what this means, but Tony and Doug get these impressed looks as if that explains everything. Tony breezily tells him they come from the future and Joshua (Rhodes Reason, who appeared in Episode 13, The Alamo) responds with some flowery prose that basically boils down to prove it.
Our guys convince Joshua they’re the real deal by telling him they know an angel came to him and gave him instructions for taking down the city: circle the place for 6 days, and on the 7th, bring in a wailing horn section and the deed will be done.
Joshua’s all, I’ve told no one that, I believe you. Not only that, he trusts Tony and Doug enough to send them into the city as spies. Bad idea—with our guys’ abysmal track record, they’ll get captured immediately.
We cut to Tic-Toc command shockingly early this episode. Our core cast, Dr. Raymond Swain (John Zaremba), General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell), and Dr. Ann MacGregor (Lee Meriwether), watch Tony and Doug converse with Joshua, open-mouthed.
“Joshua,” Gen. Kirk breathes. “The warrior prophet who brought down the walls of Jericho.” Dr. Ann is muy skeptical—should they take the bible story literally? Dr. Swain’s all in. “I’ve always wanted to believe, yet secretly doubted,” he says in perhaps the clunkiest line of dialogue in the show’s history. Dr. Ann gets in the last word, “As a scientist, I don’t permit myself to believe in miracles.” She smiles wryly. “We’ll see whether or not the walls came tumbling down.”
While Joshua sets up a diversion at Jericho’s south wall (courtesy of 20th Century Fox’s film library), Tony and Doug slip into the city, dressed in colorful robes. Doug’s all, now what? Tony consults the Bible in his pocket and says they need to find the home of a harlot named Rahab (Myrna Fahey). So, off they go.
The next day, we meet the high priest of Jericho, Malek (Arnold Moss, Brooklyn born Shakespearean, film, TV actor who voiced a number of CBS Radio Mystery Theatre dramas and is best remembered as Anton Karidian in the Star Trek episode The Conscience of the King)
Malek, concerned about the Israelites circling outside the walls, decides to make a sacrifice to the god Kemosh, hoping that will protect the city. Tony and Doug take time out from their search for Rahab to join the crowd gathered to watch.
“They usually sacrifice a sheep or a lamb,” Doug says but immediately eats his words as a 12-year-old girl in a flowerpot hat is led to the altar.
“You should be proud, Mistress, that your sister has been chosen,” a woman we’ll later learn is Rahab’s maid, Ahza (Lisa Gaye), says to her employer. Rahab, shrouded in black, looks more distraught than proud. As Malek lifts his knife to the girl’s throat, our heroes dive in for donnybrook #2. They’re subdued by Malek’s minions but save the girl.
Malek orders Captain No-Name (Michael Pate) to lock our guys in the dungeon and hang them—by their fingers! Tony goes nuh-uh, pops a few guards and takes off, hiding in a nearby house. Meanwhile, Rahab sends her little sister off to grandma’s to recover from her ordeal while she and her maid Ahza head home. I should’ve bet money on her bumping into Tony there, because that’s exactly what happens.
“Rahab,” he exclaims when they come face to face. How he knows it’s her is unexplained. Maybe there’s a sword-and-sandals era version of Facebook?
Ahza wants to call the cops on Tony, but Rahab wants to help him escape the city because he saved her sister. She buys Ahza’s silence with a ruby ring the size of my hand. The maid’s lips efficiently zipped, Tony says he won’t leave Jericho until he frees his bestie Doug from the dungeon. Rahab thinks her father can help with that, so she sends Ahza to get him.
Cut to Doug in the dungeon, stretched on a rack. Malek comes in and says if Doug doesn’t tell him where Tony’s hiding, he’ll be tortured. This torture/interrogate scene’s been done in about 10 episodes already. If Doug doesn’t know where Tony is by now, he’ll never know.
Doug refuses and we switch to our core cast in central command, watching him being tortured. Dr. Ann freaks, saying Tony won’t get to Doug before it’s too late! She demands her colleagues do something. Gen. Kirk washes his hands of responsibility, telling her the Bible said both spies escaped, so have faith. That does not reassure her.
Back to a gussied-up Rahab. Her makeup is impeccable, her jewelry and accessories to-die-for, and she’s ditched the funereal black for a spangly toga/red cape combo and a towering hairdo that’s a cross between Bride of Frankenstein electro-shock blowout and Star Trek Yeoman bouffant.
She cozies up to Tony, standing at the window, watching the troops march outside the walls. Rahab tells him it’s the 6th day Joshua and his men have circled Jericho, toting the Ark of the Covenant, blowing horns, and shouting. Like a rave at a Raiders of the Lost Ark fan convention.
Rahab’s father (Abraham Sofaer, who appeared in Episode #7, Revenge of the Gods) finally shows up, explaining that his bus had to take a detour at Main and Elm. “Father used to be a great architect and designed the palace,” Rahab explains to Tony. “The king rewarded his service by blinding him.” Still, he remembers every passageway and can help Tony find Doug.
Rahab’s father directs Tony to a secret passageway behind the statue of Kemosh. Rahab and Ahza go up on the roof, pretending to be spreading bunches of flax to dry but really keeping an eye on our guy. Ahza’s not down with the plan, fearing they’ll be caught aiding the enemy.
Tony easily sneaks into the dungeon, where he finds poor Doug all strung out. Fight #3 sees Tony take down the torturer—a man twice his size—and he and Doug escape.
Cut to Team Tic-Toc, watching Joshua address his massive army (8-9 guys, tops), telling them how it’s going to go down when they do their 7th and final circle around Jericho. Gen. Kirk reads along in his Bible.
Switch to Doug and Tony, trying to exit the secret passage behind the statue of Kemosh, but Captain No-Name and his men are hanging out, blocking their way. Rahab to the rescue, as she sashays by, offering figs to the loitering soldiers to distract them. “That fig’s given me a taste for something more,” the captain leers, grabbing Rahab. She puts up with his pawing while Tony and Doug make a break for it.
Malek storms by, interrupting the captain’s fun, and orders the soldiers to search the city, house by house, room by room, until they’ve found the spies. Rahab hurries home, and though our heroes say they’ll leave her house to keep her safe, she insists they stay. Ahza, again, disagrees with the plan.
Soldiers pound on the door so Rahab hides our guys on her rooftop, under some benches, behind the flax. The captain grills Rahab’s father (who’s been standing like a statue of Kemosh in the middle of the room the entire episode) then zooms upstairs, where he begins stabbing the flax. I dunno, maybe thinking Tony and Doug are there, perhaps expressing his deep-seeded disdain for flax.
Even though Tony’s mod boot is quite visibly sticking out from under the bench, the captain can’t find them, so he turns to what he does best—groping Rahab. “Not here,” she says, leading him inside and away from our boys. Duty calls and the captain has to go, but not before shouting in Ahza’s ear that a reward has been offered for the capture of the spies. Dollar signs pop in her eyes and she bolts from the house.
While Tony and Doug wait on Rahab’s roof for a chance to rappel over the wall, Ahza returns. Rahab’s figured out she’s gone to warn the soldiers and the two women have words. Ahza’s motive is simple—she wants money.
Tony and Doug are still hanging around on the roof for some reason. Doug escapes via rope, but the soldiers storm in and it’s Tony’s turn to get captured. I’m hoping Joshua knocks down those walls soon because this is getting tiresome.
The captain takes Rahab into custody and after a scuffle where Ahza realizes she’s going to be cheated out of her reward, we cut to Tony and Rahab chained to a rooftop wall. Tony’s all, do not be afraid, a miracle is about to save us. Rahab gives him a Sure, Jan smirk with an eyeroll chaser.
Malek taunts his captives, but when the sound of marching feet rises up, he gets a little nervous. He orders Tony and Rahab stoned to appease Kemosh and stop the Israelites from taking their 7th turn around Jericho. Ahza, an eager gleam in her eye, picks up the first stone.
Cut to central command. Dr. Ann is desperate to get Tony out of there. Dr. Swain predicts dire consequences if they move him without Doug. Gen. Kirk trots out a biblical version of the Prime Directive, “We dare not trespass on sacred history.” Dr. Ann restrains herself from walloping him and leaps into action.
“If you won’t move them I will,” she growls and scurries to the console, frantically flipping switches and spinning dials.
The console blows up.
“Looks like the decision has been taken out of our hands,” Kirk says, casting a glance skyward.
Meanwhile, back in Jericho, Ahza is mean-girling big time, flinging stones at Tony and Rahab and screaming at the mob to join her. The mob obliges until… The horns sound. The Israelites yell. And the walls come tumbling down. But wait, there’s more! A cyclone pops up, wreaking havoc.
“It’s a miracle,” Gen. Kirk breathes.
Dr. Ann’s eyeballs are in danger of rolling out of her head and into the Tic-Toc break room at this point. “A tornado is a natural phenomenon,” she insists.
Dr. Swain gives her a doting look. “Whatever creates faith is a miracle,” he says, practically patting her on the head.
In Jericho, it’s chaos. The captain is crushed by a piece of wall. Ahza gets her comeuppance (comedownance?) under a large stone. And Malek, coming at Tony and Rahab with a dagger, is flattened by the statue of Kemosh as it falls off its pedestal.
Doug frees Rahab and his bestie. Tony tells Rahab to go to Joshua where she’ll be safe. “And you?” she asks, plucking at his tunic collar. “Will you be with me?”
“Yes,” he replies. “Always.”
Then he disappears. Oops, that promise sure didn’t last.
So, this wasn’t my favorite episode. More of the same capture-escape-capture rigamarole, plus the biblical references clunked rather than inspired. And, gee whiz, could somebody just listen to Dr. Ann for once?
Next time: Conquistadors and the Search for the Golden Idol
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