I had high hopes for this episode, and it didn’t disappoint. The Civil War. Our heroes, Tony (James Darren) and Doug (Robert Colbert), on opposite sides. Terrific acting by all concerned. And the cherry on top – fricking Machiavelli (Malachi Throne), somehow transported from the year 1500 to Gettysburg.
We open as the time kaleidoscope drops our guys into the middle of a battle. They hide behind a cannon and watch an oddly dressed man stroll by, walking the Hound of the Baskervilles on a leash.
No time to do more than gape – Tony and Doug are swept up by a squad of Union soldiers, who drag them away from the fight. Seconds later, an explosion rocks the ground and Tony’s down. Not only that, he’s DEAD, according to Major No-Last-Name-Available (John Crawford, making his 3rd appearance on the show).
Cut to our core cast at central command, Dr. Raymond Swain (John Zaremba), General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell), and Dr. Ann MacGregor (Lee Meriwether), wearing their shocked faces.
“He can’t be dead,” Dr. Ann moans. Gen. Kirk demands they amplify Tony’s signal. Dr. Swain mournfully announces, “There is no signal.”
While Kirk and Swain check to see if the monitoring equipment’s malfunctioning, we cut back to Gettysburg (or a reasonable studio backlot facsimile). Doug and Major No-Name have left poor Tony to the worms and stumbled upon a load of bodies at a decimated Confederate encampment.
Doug’s all, I’m out, going back to Tony, but Major Anonymous promises he’ll help bury his friend if Doug helps him find a mysterious “man in black” who stole 150 kegs of gunpowder. Now, I know Johnny Cash isn’t in this episode, so I suspect Major Unknown means Machiavelli. Doug agrees to help, Major Unnamed sticks a rifle in his hand and they move out.
We cut back to central command. Dr. Ann, in stunned disbelief, begs to be allowed to try a power surge – an electric shock – as a last-ditch effort to revive Tony. Kirk says, “make it so” and Dr. Ann warms up the defibrillator paddles.
A considerable amount of zapping later and… Tony’s alive!
That’s the good news. The bad news is he’s surrounded by the entire Confederate Army. Two of them anyway, Sgt. Maddox (Kevin Hagen) and Cpl. Perkins (Kevin O’Neal, actor Ryan O’Neal’s baby brother). Maddox mistakes Tony for a lieutenant who was sent to lead him to a man named ‘Michaels,’ who has gunpowder to sell. Yeah, no. In that turtleneck and mod boots, Tony looks like an escapee from a Beatles fan con, not Johnny Reb. But who cares when the important thing is Tony has AMNESIA!
Cut to Doug, now wearing a Grand Army of the Republic uniform. Major Whatshisname tells Doug the “Rebs” are also on the hunt for Michaels/gunpowder so they have to be sneaky-like, which means fording a stream to cover their tracks (and emerging completely dry).
Checking in with Tony, we see he’s also changed clothes, into the uniform of a Confederate lieutenant. His outfit is sharp, but he is not, since he’s all amnesiac and confused. Cpl. Perkins volunteers to scout ahead on the other side of the river, while Tony and Maddox look for Michaels. Maddox gives him the go-ahead, and wouldn’t you know it, the kid no sooner gets his boots wet than Major Unknown spots him and shoots him DEAD. Goodbye, Ryan O’Neal’s baby brother!
Next, Doug and his nameless pal reach Michaels’s cabin in the woods (the same rickety shack used in practically every episode, shot from another angle). They somehow make it past the menacing Hound of the Baskervilles and kick in the cabin’s door.
“There’s no need to break the door in,” Michaels/Machiavelli says amicably. “My house is yours. Avanti!”
He pours his visitors a drink and gets down to business – negotiating over the gunpowder. The major tries to arrest him. Machiavelli tries to sell him his new book, The Art of War. While Major Not-Smart’s admiring the book jacket and Doug’s… I don’t know, offscreen, ordering it from Amazon… Machiavelli snuffs out the candles, grabs his sword and gets the drop on them. As in, stabs Major Dum-Dum and immobilizes Doug.
The poor major is moaning in pain on the floor while Mac presses his rapier-blade to Doug’s throat and delivers a rapier-wit monologue about his superiority to Doug or anyone from this era. Doug’s all, can it, clown, the major needs help.
Mac will let Doug help his friend but asks for a favor, though. “A quid pro quo. I help him, he gives me info about this interesting war.” Doug agrees, but he’s disgusted the man would bargain while Major Deadmeat is bleeding out. Um, Doug, have you even heard of Machiavelli?
Doug drags the major into another room, where he tries to stop the bleeding with a cotton ball and a whole lot of hope.
“I’m done for,” Major Cadaver winces. “Hate to die without knowing if the Union will survive.” Classic time travelers’ dilemma, but Doug doesn’t hesitate. He gives the dying man such a detailed, Ken Burns documentary-length rundown on Gettysburg and the rest of the war, Major No-Name’s really done for by the time he finishes.
Doug turns away from the dead man and finds a trunk stuffed with 15th century style clothes and a conveniently placed luggage tag that reads, Machiavelli. Doug also finds a sword. He grabs it and busts into the main room, telling “Michaels” his presence here is impossible – “Machiavelli died four centuries ago!”
Mac is nonplussed. “Ah, then history remembers me! Tell me more about my wonderful self.”
Doug does, but wonderful isn’t one of the adjectives. More like evil, hated, killer, etc. Then they (and their barely disguised stunt doubles) swordfight, Errol Flynn-style.
The best part of this too-long swordfight comes when Doug swings wild and smashes a bottle of wine. His opponent takes umbrage. “Now you’ve gone too far. That was my last bottle of fine Italian wine!”
Finally, it’s over, with Doug pooped and worse off than before – now Machiavelli has his pistol. Needing a rest, they both pull up a chair and Mac tells Doug his origin story. He’d just gotten back from a weekend in the country when he and his luggage were seized by a whirlwind and landed here.
“The time tunnel,” Doug grits as we cut to Gen. Kirk and Dr. Swain at central command, watching in disbelief.
“How could Machiavelli have been switched in time?” Swain asks, stunned. Come on, Doc. The Time Tunnel messes up all the time. But no worry, Swain instantly finds the blip that caused it, a one-in-a-million fluke that linked Mac to Doug’s energy.
Dr. Ann comes back from wherever she’s been cooling her heels with a load of pictures they all pore through for some reason. She frets about Tony’s amnesia and Gen. Kirk sends her off to do more busywork to keep her mind off him.
Cut to Tony and Sgt. Maddox, creeping up on Machiavelli’s place. The Baskervilles Hound raises a ruckus, so their cover’s blown. Gunfire erupts on both sides, though no one gets hit, and Tony and Maddox bust into the building. Brother meets brother as Tony and Doug come face-to-face.
“Tony, don’t you recognize me?” Doug asks, shocked when his little buddy sticks a gun in his face. Doug tries to jog his memory, but Tony isn’t buying. Ugh, amnesia, a plot device that makes me stabby.
With Doug subdued, Tony demands “Michaels” tell him where the gunpowder is. Mac waxes poetic for a half an hour about the sexiness of warfare before supplying the location, free of charge. Maddox is all, hunh? What do you get out of gifting us the gunpowder?
“Nothing would make him happier than to increase the slaughter on both sides,” Doug says and Machiavelli grins. He really is a snake. Hand it to Malachi Throne, he’s thoroughly devouring every piece of scenery here and enjoying every bite.
Tony’s not interested in Mac or the gunpowder, he’s only interested in killing Doug for killing Cpl. Perkins. Doug gets out of that by grabbing Mac by the ruff and flinging him at Tony – then jumping through the window.
Everyone’s running and shooting now. Mac literally releases the hounds (well, hound) and the chase after Doug is on!
Back at central command, Dr. Swain is frantically trying to disappear Mac and pup back to the past, while Dr. Ann is freaking out about the vicious mastiff about to tear Doug apart. This dog is also a ventriloquist, as we hear ferocious barking but never see the mutt’s mouth move.
Suddenly, the main console overloads and explodes! Our core cast are blown right out of their chairs! It looks like a game of pig pile I used to play with my siblings where I always ended up at the bottom. The team swiftly recovers but sadly the Time Tunnel’s out of commission for at least 8 hours. Someone tell the extras that, as they’re still flipping switches and pushing buttons in the background.
Meanwhile, the team makes plans to move our guys – and the malicious Machiavelli – when the power’s back on. Kirk and Swain argue. Kirk demands Mac be moved before Tony and Doug. Swain doesn’t want to risk using precious power on Mac, but Kirk is adamant. Machiavelli’s too dangerous; he could change the Civil War’s outcome with his scheming.
Back at Gettysburg, Tony goes looking for Doug, who finds him first by leaping onto him from a giant rock. They fight. Tony slips out of Doug’s chokehold and pulls a gun on him, but instead of killing him like he wants to do, he takes Doug to meet up with Sgt. Maddox.
Cut to the next day as our heroes lope across a foggy field, Machiavelli and Maddox following. They come upon a skirmish (footage borrowed from some technicolor epic). Mac is impressed with the troops, especially the Cavalry.
“They ride like the four horsemen of the apocalypse, bringing death with every stride,” he says gleefully.
“You sure do run off at the mouth,” Sgt. Maddox spits in disgust.
Tony, still believing he’s a Civil War-era lieutenant, begins to strategize, reckoning they’ll need a wagon to move Mac’s gunpowder. He volunteers to step into the battle of Little Round Top and pilfer one. Doug’s all, you’ll never survive, but T just eyerolls that and rushes in, as a grinning Machiavelli waves goodbye.
Suddenly, a cannonball explodes nearby, knocking Maddox out. Free, Doug rushes after Tony, leaving Mac to twiddle his thumbs. Tony’s run into the belly of the Union troops and gets his ju-jitsu on. Doug joins him and now everyone’s fighting. The soldiers are quickly subdued, and Tony instantly goes back to trying to kill Doug. Jeez, one track mind.
Cut back to Machiavelli with the wounded Maddox. He tells Maddox he’s too incapacitated to fight or move the gunpowder, might as well up and die. Then he presses his knee against the sergeant’s wounded arm, making him wail in agony. He seems nice.
The dying Maddox manages to shoot at his tormentor, but the bullets pass through him. “I have the advantage,” Mac chortles. “I’m Machiavelli, a man past his time, and therefore already dead.” Then he shoots Maddox DEAD. There are only a few scenes in this series Tony and Doug aren’t in. This was one of the best.
When Tony and Doug return, Machiavelli speaks with such glee about Maddox’s death, Tony snaps. “I’ve got no time for whatever game you’re playing,” he says, dead serious, his gun pointed at Mac. “I’m here for the gunpowder. Now lead me to it.”
Finally! Forty-two minutes in and we’re just getting to the meat of the plot.
At central command, there’s lots of activity as repairs are being made. Buttons are pushed, switches switched, and cable cabled. Swain tells Kirk the special power supply from Hoover Dam is hooked in and that should be enough to handle the power reversal.
While checking out the power generator (which looks like a giant Dalek with a red eyestalk), Dr. Swain apologizes for their earlier fight and invites Kirk for a drink to make up for it. Kirk declines, saying he’s seeing someone, but accepts Swain’s apology all the same.
We’re back with Tony, Doug, and Machiavelli, who’s leaping along a hillside like a gazelle, wearing a voluminous black cape and looking utterly insane. He leads our guys to the gunpowder, not very well hidden against a giant boulder and under some branches. Tony orders Doug to help him load the powder barrels in the wagon. Mac whispers in each man’s ear, trying to set one against the other.
Doug’s turn to snap. He grabs a conveniently placed stick, lights it in a conveniently lit fire, and threatens to ignite the gunpowder and blow it up real good. Tony pulls his pistol and threatens to kill Doug, but somehow, neither man does as he threatens and they’re fighting again.
Our guys grapple, punch, karate-chop, and kick, on land, on the edge of a steep drop-off, on a suspension bridge with a raging river below. Tony pushes Doug off the bridge. He hangs on by his fingernails and manages to climb back up. The flailing begins again. Mac watches this wild brawl like it’s Ali-Frazier and the Thrilla in Manila.
Finally, it’s over. Tony’s memory has miraculously returned. Our guys turn on Machiavelli, and when Mac laughs that they can’t kill him, Doug says they’re going to do something worse – tie him up in the cave so Mr. Art of War can’t watch one of the bloodiest battles of all time.
“No! Anything but that,” Mac cries. He grabs a flaming torch and sets the gunpowder ablaze, then disappears.
Cut to team Tic-Toc. They’ve quantum leaped that old warmonger back home, but at the cost of another power drain. Dr. Ann frantically flips switches and pushes buttons to move our guys (now both inexplicably unconscious and lying side-by-side) before the gunpowder explodes. Can she do it?
Yup. Dr. Ann can do anything – Tony and Doug vanish, just as the gunpowder goes kerblam!
Next Time: The boys hang out with Genghis Khan
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