This episode’s a mixed bag. We get the pleasure of meeting Marco Polo, world traveler, snazzy dresser, and inventor of the most ridiculous swimming pool game ever. We also get the displeasure of seeing Tony fall in love and Dr. Ann risking her career to cheer him on.
We open at Operation Tic-Toc HQ. Our core cast, Dr. Raymond Swain (John Zaremba), General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell), and Dr. Ann MacGregor (Lee Meriwether) watch our heroes Tony (James Darren) and Doug (Robert Colbert) flop around inside the time kaleidoscope.
“Can’t you get them under control?” Gen. Kirk demands, stressing out.
Dr. Ann can, and moments later we see our heroes tumble onto a hillside overlooking a canyon. Across the way, a horde of men on horseback are fighting. As Tony and Doug watch, dozens of combatants – and their poor horses – are pushed over the precipice and into the raging waters below (footage from 20th Century Fox’s 1962 production, Taras Bulba)
“Let’s try this way,” Tony says, tugging Doug away from the carnage. They find a shield with markings they immediately ID as Mongolian. “If memory serves, this is the emblem of the great Khans,” Doug says. Apparently, he was a medieval history major before switching to something easier, like temporal physics.
Suddenly, a Mongol warrior rides straight at them, waving his sword. Our heroes run away. Haha, no, that would be sensible, and our guys are anything but that. They race TOWARD the danger. Moments later, more warriors join the fight.
Doug grabs a sword and, because he was fencing champ at NYU, apparently, holds his own against two adversaries who’ve probably been training for battle since they were four. He’s eventually disarmed, and knocked out cold, to boot. Tony stays on his feet longer, judo-chopping everyone in sight, but he too is taken down.
Our heroes are dragged into a spacious tent to meet a warlord named Batu Khan (Arthur Batanides), grandson of Genghis. “The mantle of Genghis Khan belongs to me,” he brags. “I will do what he could not – I’ll conquer the world!” With the capable assistance of his minions, Pinky and The Brain, no doubt.
Doug’s still unconscious so Batu turns to Tony, demanding info about Kubla Khan’s army and fortifications. Tony’s all, call me Sgt. Schultz, because I know nothing. Batu scoffs and orders his men to strap Tony to the conveniently placed torture rack to wring the intel out of him.
Cut to central command. The core cast gets a fix on our guys in time to see Tony being stretched on the rack. Vaporish girl Dr. Ann is overcome and turns away from the gruesome scene. Gen. Kirk gives her a paternal pat on the shoulder. “If we’re going to get them out of there alive, we can’t do it without you,” he cajoles.
She nods and turns back to the console, but it’s too late. They’ve lost the signal. “It’s my fault,” she moans. Dr. Swain reassures her. Lamely – his voice says no, but his eyes say you betcha.
Back in 13th century Mongolia, Batu gets a report from his main man Ambahai (Paul Mantee). Good news: Batu’s forces have ambushed a patrol from the nearby fort. Bad news: the “European” escaped. Furious Batu takes out his anger on Tony, slapping him silly and cranking up the stretch machine to the point Tony passes out. Now both of our guys are unconscious.
Batu and his minions exit the tent, leaving the rack operator guarding Tony. Doug predictably awakens seconds later. He acts fast for a fella who should be groggy and concussed. He gongs the guard with a shield, uses a sword to tear a hole in the tent, hefts out-cold Tony over his shoulder and they’re outta there.
Doug carries Tony to a hillside, where he encounters Marco Polo (the great John Saxon) and his pals. Dang, that was lucky!
Doug’s more starstruck than I’ve ever seen him but manages to cool his jets enough to announce they’ve just escaped from Batu. Polo’s impressed and invites Doug along with him, but only if he leaves the still-unconscious Tony behind because he’ll slow them down. Yeah, no. Doug will never leave his best bud.
A Mongol horde (four guys) suddenly attacks. The well-trained warriors are no match for Polo and a couple of temporal physicists, who soundly defeat them then skedaddle off to the safety of Kubla Khan’s fort.
We cut to Tony in a comfy bed, being tended by a woman wearing a metric ton of blue eyeshadow, a massive amount of hair extensions, and a harem-girl outfit in an orange so bright it hurts my eyes.
The woman is Sarit (Vitina Marcus), emperor Kubla Khan’s only daughter. In case you don’t notice she’s beautiful, every character from Tony to the lowliest extra pushing buttons at Tic-Toc command will mention how beautiful she is for the rest of the episode.
Tony’s not too injured to hit her up with flirty talk. Sarit yada, yadas back at him and bats her eyes. Looks like sparks have officially begun to fly.
Cut to Batu’s tent. He’s developed a new cunning plan – abduct Sarit, force her to marry him, and cement his power as the emperor’s new groovy son-in-law. Newly smitten Tony might object to that scheme, but Batu’s man Ambahai is all-in, and goes off to do some kidnapping.
Night at Kubla’s fort. Marco and Doug walk the parapet, looking out at the “thousand fires of a thousand Mongols waiting to breach the walls,” as Polo gloomily puts it. Cut to Tony and Sarit locked in a clinch behind closed doors. Whoa, this romance sure put the pedal to the metal! And entirely off screen!
Doug and Marco bust in, looking shocked. “We could use some privacy,” Tony sniffs and begins to escort Sarit from the room. Doug stops him. “You can’t afford to get involved,” he warns. “I’m supposed to stop living because I’m in the 13th century?” Tony snits, then hair flips his way out the door.
Sigh. This conflict seems inserted simply to keep Tony and Doug at odds. Marco seems to think so too, because he sits there in his magnificently shiny purple tunic and even purpler tights, drinking vino, watching the two buddies argue with a bemused look on his puss.
While Tony and Sarit stroll on the moonlit parapet, Batu’s men scale the wall. Tony’s too busy canoodling with Sarit to hear the attackers creeping up behind him. One shoulder chop and Tony’s down for the count while Sarit is whisked over the wall.
Marco laments Sarit’s kidnapping. The emperor had placed her in his care and he’s desperate to free her. Tony proposes he disguise himself and go free her. Doug volunteers to help, suggesting they use the “black powder” Polo’s planning to bring back to Venice to scatter the enemy.
As our guys approach Batu’s compound, they have an argument about Sarit. Tony says for the first time while they’ve been kaleidoscoping through time he thinks “it wouldn’t be the worst thing that happened if he didn’t get back to the Time Tunnel.”
“They must’ve really stretched you out back there on the torture rack,” Doug snipes, shocked. I’m shocked too. I mean, Tony’s sudden passion to give up everything and stay with Sarit would be more believable if we’d seen even a minute of them getting to know each other.
Back at team Tic-Toc, Dr. Ann is giddy. “Can it be that Tony’s really fallen in love?” she gushes. None of that lovey-dovey stuff, Gen. Kirk harrumphs, ordering her to get a fix on the boys so they can transfer them. “Maybe we shouldn’t,” she says dreamily. “If he’s found someone he can be happy with, maybe we don’t have any right to take him away.”
A stunned Gen. Kirk and Dr. Swain swivel toward her with alarmed WTF? expressions that mirror my own.
At Batu’s opulent tent, he’s bullying Sarit to eat something because he totally doesn’t like skinny chicks. She grabs his knife and they tussle. “Ah, you have spirit!” he giggles.
Outside the tent, Tony and Doug karate chop a guard then burst inside. Batu hollers for help, more guards answer the call, and here we go again with the sword/fist fighting. Tony hustles Sarit to the tent opening while Doug tosses a packet of black powder to the ground and drops a flaming torch on it. Boom! and everyone escapes.
Back at the fort, our guys and Marco escort Sarit to her room. Doug stands awkwardly by while she tenderly strokes Tony’s cheek and thanks him for saving her. Tony ignores Doug’s disapproval and stomps off. “This wouldn’t be the first time a friendship has been broken over a pretty girl,” Polo says, though no one’s asked his opinion.
Batu’s livid Sarit has escaped. He orders Ambahai to gather every warrior he can for a last-ditch attack on Kubla Khan’s fort. Because the way to win over your presumptive father-in-law is to bust up his home.
Back at central command, our core cast watches Batu’s army bear down on the fort (more exciting footage from Taras Bulba). Gen. Kirk demands to know how strong the location fix is. To quantum leap our guys out of danger, right? No, to send artillery back so Tony and Doug can blow stuff up. Swain argues the tunnel can’t handle the heavy equipment. Pardon me, but the tunnel can barely handle our guys, not even Tony who weighs no more than a feather duster.
Cut to the 13th century. Tony rushes to Sarit’s room to tell her the fort is surrounded but he’ll find some way to get her out and to safety. “It pleases me that you worry,” she coos, apparently in flirt mode 24-7.
Back at central command, Dr. Ann has discovered the fort’s location. She suggests they transfer Doug to safety, but insists they have no right to take Tony away from his main squeeze. “If he’s found happiness, who are we to take him from it?” Uh, just scientists who should be more concerned with risks to the timeline than Tony’s dating woes.
Both Swain and Kirk put the kibosh on that, even when Dr. Ann points to the historical record that notes Sarit married an out-of-towner, possibly Tony. Kirk ends the discussion with a curt, “Nobody’s going to marry anybody unless we get some help back to that fort.” And by help, he means 20th century weaponry.
At the fort, Doug, Tony, and Marco are on the parapet when a Mongol warrior rides up under a flag of truce with a message – Batu wants a parlay. The whole gang meets in Polo’s quarters, including Sarit for some reason.
“I wish to avoid bloodshed,” Batu says. “I pledge the safety of every man in this fort, on one condition…” That Sarit agrees to marry him, of course. Tony spits out a “Nothing doing, bub.” Marco accuses Batu of trickery. Sarit questions Batu’s honesty. And Doug? He stands there, mute, probably wondering when this scene will wrap so he can nosh on one of those pastrami sandwiches he saw on the crafts services table.
His offer refused, Batu retreats and gives his horde the order to destroy the fort and everyone in it. Things are looking grim for our heroes, looking even grimmer at Tic-Toc HQ. Dr. Ann drags her feet over transferring lovestruck Tony out of the Mongolian Alamo. Gen. Kirk orders her to squash those feminine emotions and get back to work. I don’t see if she does; I’m too busy rolling my eyes over this thorough assassination of what until now had been a cool, professional, occasionally badass character.
Several minutes of battle footage from Taras Bulba ensues, including something that looks like orangeade but is probably boiling oil being poured onto horses and warriors alike. It’s intercut with Doug and Tony on the parapet, fighting their attackers.
Batu’s forces momentarily fall back. Doug and Tony indulge in another brotherly talk. Doug says the tunnel can pop them both out of there at any moment, so if he really cares for Sarit, he has to say goodbye. Meanwhile below stairs, Marco Polo is saying almost the same thing to Sarit: “The daughter of an emperor cannot follow the dictates of her heart. You have a destiny to fulfill and a duty to your people.”
Sarit reluctantly sees Polo’s point – she can’t marry her intriguing stranger, no matter how dreamy his eyes or how mod his boots. When Tony comes along moments later, they realize the problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans and they must part.
Cue romantic music, fadeout.
Oh wait, the episode’s not over yet. The horde renews its attack. The black powder now comes into play, as Doug suggests using it to MacGyver up some explosives.
At central command, they’re ready to transfer our guys, but it’s Kirk who’s dragging his feet this time – he wants to help in the fight. You can take the general out of the battle, but you can’t take the battle out of him, apparently. Kirk orders up some percussion igniters (whatever that is) and, without a care for how he could change history, sends them back to our boys. Getting sloppy with the timeline, Kirk me boy.
Doug and Tony grab the igniters with a gleeful, “Just the thing we need!” Next, we see our guys launching bombs that explode spectacularly and force Batu and his forces into full retreat. Whew, good thing for Marco Polo our heroes were there to save him! We might be yelling out “Batu…? Khan…!” in the swimming pool today.
Next time: Merlin visits the Time Tunnel!
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