Welcome to episode 27 (out of 30), which brings us into the home stretch by tossing science-fiction out the window and letting fantasy, in the form of Merlin the Magician, step through the door. The result is a somewhat silly episode that doesn’t really go anywhere.
We open with our core cast, Dr. Raymond Swain (John Zaremba), General Heywood Kirk (Whit Bissell), and Dr. Ann MacGregor (Lee Meriwether), gathered around the console, doing their usual thing, trying to save our time-traveling heroes from certain death.
“NO!” a disembodied voice yells, and everyone in the control room freeze-frames. We zoom in on a silver-haired guy up in the rafters, who looks like a former Hogwarts prof who didn’t make tenure in his black robe and weird cap.
He floats down like a butterfly and takes a looksee around at the fancy, big-budget machines and the people who run them. Dissing the whole shebang as “Simple magic,” he incants a few choice words and commands our heroes to appear before him, the great, powerful, and don’t forget wonderful wizard, Merlin (Christopher Cary).
Pouff! Just like that, Tony (James Darren) and Doug (Robert Colbert) pop out of the time kaleidoscope into the Time Tunnel. Merlin monologues at our (freeze-framed) guys, telling them he needs them to fix some problems in Camelot, and though they’ll remember nothing of their brief visit home, they will do whatever ol’ Merl says. Smirking, pleased with himself, he magics them – and himself – away.
Cut to our guys dropping onto a rocky shoreline and immediately seeing Camelot in the distance (well, it’s only a model). “Gee, we’re a looong way back,” Doug says. Before they can complete a recon of their new, apparently medieval environment, they’re set upon by Vikings (???!). Our boys quickly best the men in the totally anachronistic horned hats but are taken down by a nattily dressed young man in an adorable pageboy hairdo who stumbles by next.
Holding our guys at sword point, Pageboy demands to know where they’re from. “America,” Tony grits. Pageboy drops a confused, “Does such a land exist?” Doug weighs in with a wry, “I’m beginning to wonder.” Poor Doug, bopping around in time has made him cynical.
Pageboy demands Tony and Doug join him in fighting the Vikings. They refuse, so the guy draws his sword, about to take out two with one blow, when Merlin pops in like Endora on Bewitched. “NO!” he bellows
Pageboy goes “Huh?!” and demands an explanation. “I’m here to help you, Arthur,” Merlin declares. Ah! Light bulb moment – this callow youth with the darling hairdo is the once and future King Arthur (Jim McMullan). Merlin orders Tony and Doug to join Arthur’s fight and, since they’re in the magician’s thrall, they immediately agree.
Segue to central command. Team Tic-Toc has determined the date (544) and location (the Cornwall coast) where Tony and Doug have landed shockingly quick this time. They dive into their work, trying to shift our heroes.
Back in the 6th century, Doug and Tony are shocked to discover they’re the only soldiers in King Arthur’s army (Why shocked? That’s a sizeable force by Time Tunnel standards). A moment later, they’re set upon by a horde of Vikings (4 guys). Things don’t go well for our heroes, especially Doug, who’s stabbed in the heart and croaks. Tony and Arthur are captured by the Viking leader Wogan (Vincent Beck) and marched past Doug’s body as they’re taken away.
Back at Tic-Toc command, Dr. Ann tearfully tells Kirk that Doug is dead and they’ve lost the fix on Tony forever. Kirk harrumphs, demanding they find some way to connect with our sole survivor.
Dr. Ann gets right to work, while Kirk and Swain play high school debate team: King Arthur, fact or fiction? She gets a fix on Tony, who we see chained to a wall in the Vikings’ dungeon. Kirk orders her to get Tony out of there, but before she can flip one switch or spin one dial, she picks up another signal – Doug’s signal – and the Time Tunnel homes in on Camelot. The team cheer – Doug’s not yet dead!
Meanwhile, in the dungeon, Tony gets his hands on a conveniently placed lit torch and somehow melts through his chain without burning himself. Free, he sets a conveniently placed pile of hay ablaze and yells fire! Stupid dummy guard falls for this oldest of ploys and ends up with a black eye and stuffed in a conveniently placed water barrel for his trouble.
Inside Camelot, Doug’s tucked in a comfy bed, with Guinevere (Lisa Jak) tending him while Merlin, who’s magicked him back to life, looks on. Doug’s all “The real Guinevere?” when the blonde cutie with the Princess Leia hair buns introduces herself. “Yep, that’s me,” she gushes, then hurries off at Merlin’s command to find some 6th century duds for our completely recovered hero.
Cut to Tony, skulking around the Vikings’ castle. He stuffs another stupid dummy guard into a water barrel, demanding to know where Arthur is being held captive. The near-drowned dude gives up the info. Tony frees Arthur and they hide in a secret room.
Team Tic-Toc is dumbfounded, but delighted, to see Doug alive. They prep to switch our guys when “NO!” booms out across the control room, stopping them. Merlin, of course. That guy sure gets around, and man, is he bossy. He tells Dr. Ann to flip no switches and spin no dials until further notice. “Belay that order,” Kirk demands, but when Dr. Ann tries to quantum leap Tony and Doug, she’s blasted out of her chair by an electronic surge.
“Young lady, you must learn to obey orders,” Merlin says smugly. I’m shooting daggers at him through my TV screen, but Dr. Ann manfully resists braining the jerk. Gen. Kirk gets all up in Merlin’s face, demanding to know what the gosh-darned-doody is going on.
Merlin explains that he deals in history before the fact, giving events a little nudge toward fulfillment. Tony and Doug must remain where they are, and team Tic-Toc are forbidden from moving them. Merlin’s not so forthcoming on why, and our core cast don’t bother to ask.
Dr. Swain, being a scientist, announces he doesn’t believe in this fake quack of a magician, or magic. The snooty Merlin doesn’t take this kindly and disapperates the good doctor with a flick of a finger.
After a moment of panic on team Tic-Toc’s part and smug grins on Merlin’s part, the magician re-apperates Dr. Swain – standing atop the console. Swain’s still unconvinced, declaring his disappearance as mass hypnosis. Merlin warns them not to move our guys or futz with the controls, then vanishes.
Meanwhile, the Vikings have found Tony and Arthur’s hiding place and they’re captured yet again. Doug has recovered enough to foot it from Camelot to the other castle to rescue Tony. Guinevere comes along to show him the way. They’re set upon by the not-so-stupid-dummy guards and also captured.
Seeing this, Gen. Kirk demands our heroes be time jumped now. “Go ahead, Ann,” Dr. Swain prods, but she’s all, nuh-uh, once burned, twice shy. “That magician was fakey-fake,” Swain insists. “He can’t hurt you.” Dr. Ann still refuses, so Swain defiantly attacks the console. Merlin gets him good – an electrical surge knocks him to the floor and knocks him out.
At the Vikings’ castle, Guinevere’s thrust into the leader’s quarters. “Ah, the Viking butcher Wogan,” she sneers. Wogan sneers right back and announces his plans to sell her off to some nobleman in exchange for helping him become king. Gotta say, though he has ample mustache for twirling, Wogan isn’t a very intimidating bad guy. And that ridiculous, anachronistic horned hat! It’d make a fabulous coat rack, but as protective battle gear, not so much.
Cut to our heroes, chained to the dungeon wall beside Arthur. Tony and Doug indulge in the episode’s second round of high school debate: Merlin, good or evil? Magical or not? Wogan, fresh from antagonizing Guinevere, bursts into the room, interrupting. He hurls some insults at Arthur, orders his bowman to kill them all, then, like any cheesy villain, doesn’t stick around to see his fiendish orders carried through.
Tony eyes Doug grimly as the bowman takes aim. “Where’s your Merlin now?” he mutters.
Merlin pops in a moment too late – Arthur is dead, arrow through the heart. “I didn’t want to reverse time, but…” Merlin says, but does precisely that. He snaps his fingers and the arrow shoots out of Arthur’s chest back into the bow.
Merlin laughs as the bowman flees in terror, then uses his power to free Tony, Doug, and Arthur from their bonds. But he won’t release our guys from the dungeon. “I’m fresh out of magic, use your ingenuity,” he shrugs then disappears. He’s sooo Dumbledore – only helps when he wants, nowhere to be found when you really need him.
On their own, the boys MacGyver up a bomb using metal clamps, a metal pot with a tight lid, and some conveniently available torches. A boom! and the cell door blasts open. Now free, Tony and Arthur stay in the castle to find Guinevere, while Doug leaves to scare up an attack force (6 guys) to siege the Vikings’ castle.
Merlin drops in again. Doug does an ugh, this guy eye roll, but doesn’t object when Merlin says Vikings only fear other Vikings and magics up Viking outfits for everyone. They go off to storm the castle in horned hats that make them look more like they’re about to meet Fred Flinstone and his best bud Barney at a Loyal Order of Water Buffalo lodge meeting.
Cut to the castle’s parapet. A couple of stupid dummy guards are keeping watch. Tony and Arthur sneak out a door and attack. One guard gets judo chopped into oblivion, the other is tossed over the wall (falling Viking footage courtesy of 1954’s Cinemascope epic, Prince Valiant).
The guards subdued, Arthur lowers himself down on a conveniently placed rope to the room where Guinevere’s being held captive (more Prince Valiant footage, the only reason, I suspect, for Arthur’s pageboy hairdo). Guinevere gapes at the guy who bursts through her window. “Who are you?” she asks, getting one of the lamest action movie tropes in reply – there’s no time for explanation. And then Arthur proceeds to explain the entire attack plan to her, including the info that someone will be setting her free shortly before he shinnies back up the rope.
Up on the parapet, Arthur gushes about Guinevere’s beauty then rushes off to sabotage the Vikings’ defenses (or maybe hit the john? It has been a long day). Tony grabs a conveniently placed torch, flashes the Go! signal to Doug and the attack is on!
As Doug’s attack force moves on the castle and Arthur is AWOL, it’s up to Tony to free Guinevere. They come face-to-face with Wogan and his ridiculous hat. The thing looks sooo uncomfortable and also wicked heavy; it’s a wonder he can hold his head up.
Wogan and Tony spar. I’m always impressed by how our scientist heroes last more than two seconds in a swordfight with beefy men who’ve probably been training with swords since they were toddlers. Tony not only holds his own, he stabs Wogan and kills him.
Cut to the castle entrance and the mob of Prince Valiant extras (in horned hats) storming the gate. More extras pour boiling oil on them from above, to no avail – the walls come tumbling down and the attackers surge into the castle keep.
The battle over, the castle calm, Tony, Doug, and Merlin watch Arthur and Guinevere sitting together in a quiet corner of the garden, getting to know one another. The trio waves and grins at the couple like a trio of doting aunties.
Back at central command, Dr. Swain is in sick bay, recovering from his shocking experience. Gen. Kirk is haranguing Dr. Ann to switch the boys immediately. She hesitates but overcomes her fear of another zap to spin the dials and flip the switches.
In the 6th century, Merlin tells our guys Guinevere’s father was so grateful to Arthur for rescuing her he’s awarded him her hand in marriage. But what, there’s more! Guinevere’s dad is also gifting the once and future king with a very large, very handsome, very round table.
He smiles smugly as our guys disappear.
Next Time: More silliness, as aliens abduct our plucky Dr. Ann!
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