My name is Tina Marie DeLucia and I have astral projected into the next life.
I knew it was going to be bad. So many thought I was over exaggerating. That it would be fine. Oh no. No no. I was correct. Horribly horribly correct. Beyond correct. Dear Mary Helen has written, perhaps, a more proper review. But this is going to be me tackling it as a first Doctor fan. Literally it has taken this long because I have gotten so angry about this I’ve had to physically get up from my desk and walk away and mutter ‘serenity now’ over and over under my breath.
So buckle up, brace yourself, cling to your companions and get ready.
Because this is going to be rough.
VWORP VWORP SPOILERS AHOY
WE BEGIN
The “Previously On…” was perhaps the best thing about the special, and probably the best “Previously On” we’ve had. 709 Episodes later, a lovely still of Bill Hartnell, Anneke Wills, and Michael Craze. Which would be The Tenth Planet. And goodness there were clips and “Have you no emotions, sir?” and I was just that’s my boy. But I would not let the BBC lure me into a false sense of security.
I know better now not to trust.
And hodiladdy that fellow really doesn’t look like Ben. I don’t know what they did to him–actually no, I do know what they did to him. They didn’t even attempt to make him appear smaller than Polly (for goodness sake people he’s like two inches shorter than Polly), his hair looked like a bad Pat Troughton wig. (Ben doesn’t have a beatles haircut, for goodness sake, and he had light coloured hair.) But at least he sounded like Michael. No complaints about New Polly, aside from outfit colour (which is red; you could’ve just Googled that).
Am I nitpicking? I do what I like. I’m angry. You’ve awakened a very feisty, very angry Italian, BBC.
I didn’t even mind the tiny recreations.
I did mind the glowy hands. Get that out of there. Stay away from my son. None of that here.
We see basically the other side of what Twelve saw at the end of the Doctor Falls. One wandering into the night and informing his future self that he may be A Doctor, but he is THE Doctor. (I still find it so amusing because Hartnell himself never said that, it was the second worse incarnation of the First Doctor, Richard Hurndall who said it. His performance and acting isn’t bad. In fact, it’s nice. The writing fails him, sadly, but The Five Doctors‘ writing wasn’t tops.)
Peter Capaldi is clearly fanboying at this point, excited to see One, and honestly it’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. The “Your face is all over the place!” line, a play that the regeneration process has begun, is a wonderful way to cover up the fact that Bradley isn’t a perfect carbon copy of Hartnell.
But then my amusement turned sour at One using the word Time Lord. If you thought I wasn’t sour and petty enough, we are going about seven layers deep. I know, I know, he said it in the The Five Doctors. But as we discussed the One in the The Five Doctors is in fact a wax figurine and should not be counted.
Maybe it’s because the loveliest thing about early Who, and what I think makes it so special is the mystery behind it! It truly was Doctor W H O?? Where’s he come from? Where’s he been? Why is he running? (Keep that in mind.) Things that we never truly knew and didn’t understand and didn’t need to! It made the Doctor mysterious, an unknown factor. Sure we got a hint now and again that he and Susan were running from home for a not-so-great reason, that maybe they could go back, the silver trees and burnt orange sky. But the word Time Lord would never be spoken until it was uttered by Patrick Troughton in 1969 in The War Games. Not to mention the name Gallifrey wouldn’t be heard until Jon Pertwee’s Doctor told Jo a story while trapped in one of the many forms of Atlantis (there’s about three, so…yeah).
So to hear One say the word all willy nilly, like it was a normal part of his Lexicon sounds wrong.
But his complaining of every little thing is cute. Like his TARDIS being bigger and the windows looking funny. But this conversation Twelve and One are having about how everything’s started and how deep it is, the music soaring and it’s almost a borderline hearts to hearts. But…shouldn’t this be happening in Act Three?… I feel like this should be in Act Three. This whole, “no you’ve got to change or else stuff will go horribly bad, trust me/you.”
But there’s no time to think about that, because Mark Gatiss has stumbled in, drunk from the weekend bender that he was on with Steven Moffat that convinced everyone this special needed to be made. This actually happened.
So after a confrontation in a World War One reenactment between the Captain formerly known as Mycroft also known as Lazarus also known as Marky Mark Gatiss, time stops! Like it’s Saved By the Bell.
So they’ve dropped Mark in a photoshop effect and OH GOD IT’S THE SILVER SURFER RUN.
We head back to the Pole after Mark spends some quality time in the Matrix. And honestly this lighting is so bright, who left their parking lights on? I’m expecting them to pan right and there’s the crew freezing by a pick-up keeping warm with only a cigarette lighter.
One is acting very out of character already and oh we’re going to get there but I must hold back.
Why. Why is One not wanting to regenerate? I mean if you ever watched his arc or any of his episodes you know this is odd. I mean, last I checked he was all sorts of weak, nearly on the edge, and about to set off into the unknown and change into a cosmic hobo.
YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT, ONE.
But I do admit, the “Have I been burgled?” line tickled me. It was delivered in a very first Doctor fashion. It could have been so easy to go with a “Hmm, I don’t like it” joke. So this was a nice difference.
Wow has anyone else noticed how awful the pacing is? Because golly-gee is it awful. It’s speeding up and yet dragging in odd places, everything seems so disjointed and the tone is shifting and if you told me this was later on in the special I might have believed you.
Mark Gatiss is acting his butt off, good for you Mark. And the line about him being confused on Twelve’s “First World War’ quip, and looking devastated. For the little part he plays, he handles it with dignity.
Now I must point something out here that actually has to do with Mr Bradley’s performance. Now, I think he does a rather nice job. If this special told us anything is that he can do wide-eyes, shocked, grumpy Hartnell very very well. But I have yet to see him handle the tender side of One. Now, this isn’t really his fault, due to the writing he’s been given. But I see no sparkle, no chuckle under his breath, no smirking little look that the first Doctor is so very well known for. He’s a conniving little trickster and there’s such a lack of it here. He doesn’t have to be all widening of his eyes so hard I fear Bradley’s going to bust an eyeball out of his socket.
Then of course, is the structure of his sentences. He’s…he’s not saying it right. Hartnell has a very particular way of phrasing things. When he pauses, when he lingers on a word, when he repeats himself is very deliberate. It can’t be thrown wherever you like. There’s a rhythm to it. And for the most part, he got it down rather well in An Adventure in Space and Time, so why not does it seem so chunky and awkward?
Direction I suppose, and writing, but it’s another thing that drags down One’s character.
But I enjoyed the brandy thing. Because One definitely had a stash and I am a solid 98% sure both he and Barbara had wine nights and you can not tell me otherwise.
Oh. Oh and, God, it begins. The sexist lines. Just. Why?! WHY?! Beyond the fact that these lines do NOTHING for the plot, and don’t even create any sort of conflict between Twelve and One besides Twelve looking embarrassed like One is his racist uncle at Christmas dinner. There is NO NEED for it!
At first I thought–is he doing this for Mr WWI’s benefit. But One wouldn’t do that. He would’ve looked very uncomfortable, stuck his nose up at the fellow and made some snide remark that he ought to check himself before he wrecks himself, my dear boy. Maybe not in those exact words.
AND SWEET HOLY VERITY LAMBERT WHO IS PROBABLY TURNING OVER IN HER GRAVE IF YOU THINK THE FIRST BLOODY DOCTOR WOULD EVER SUGGEST THAT POLLY FREAKING WRIGHT WOULD BE DOING ANY SPRING CLEANING
POLLY NEVER CLEANED ON THE TARDIS
ONE NEVER ASKED ANYONE TO CLEAN HIS TARDIS, HE’D BE MORE HAPPY IF NO ONE TOUCHED ANY OF HIS THINGS THANK YOU VERY MUCH. STAY AWAY FROM MY CONSOLE.
AND IF YOU’RE GOING TO POINT TO THE TENTH PLANET TEA THING, OH YOU MEAN THE TEA POLLY HERSELF MAKES AND OFFERS TO MAKE!? CHECK YOUR FACTS.
This whole thing adds nothing to anything, only to demean the First Doctor’s character and make Twelve look better by comparison. It just makes me more and more certain the First Doctor has been replaced by that robot the Daleks made in The Chase.
Well the TARDIS has now been put down in what looks like the Ice Warrior Hive from Empress of Mars with better lighting. Out pops the First Doctor; and the Great and Powerful Oz is demanding to see the Doctor of War.
The lighting and the angles in this scene, I must say, are stunning.
Also to see One looking so fab, and saying such wrong things makes life worse. (Though I don’t know why Bradley’s wig reminds me of a meringue.)
The Silver Surfer tells One that someone is here for the Doctor, someone he misses, someone who has been wanting to see him. And as HAPPY as I am to see Bill…WHY ISN’T IT SUSAN?! YOU’VE BEEN HINTING AT HER SINCE THE PILOT WITH THE MARY CELESTE AND HAVING HER PICTURE RIGHT THERE ON THE DOCTOR’S DESK!? Where was my Susan cameo? My Susan mention?! Where was One asking Twelve how Susan is because surely he’s been back to see her by now.
But NO.
Golly, Peter is so good at acting. This man deserves better than what he got.
Twelve whips out the sonic, One is bewildered by it. Very good. That’s what I wanted to see, thank you. “An…audio screwdriver?” Just that’s the One I want to see, confused by his future, and concerned greatly by it. Because I know it’s hard to believe, once upon a time the Doctor had to rely on actual wits, cleverness and opportunity to get him out of things rather than his magical space wand.
The Two Doctors (not those Two Doctors) approach Mrs Cellophane and she’s sitting on a throne of what looks like swords from Transistor….just me? Hard drives..they…they look like data chip insides….sigh.
Have I mention I really like this lighting?
Glass Half Full Lady calls herself Testimony, and they hold the memories and essences of people in the moments before they’ve died. They’re also subpar CGI.
While Twelve is quick to jump to conclusions One is the person solving the problems. Noticing before his counterpart with the aid of his trusty monocle that the Glass Ceiling’s face is not symmetrical, making her not a program. YEAH YOU GO, ONE. NOTICING THESE THINGS. And that also means I get what I really wanted; two grumpy old men who are also children who act grumpy towards each other. Also One calling him an idiot and asking what the hell Twelve thought he was doing with his sun glasses in doors added about 23 years to my life.
The rest of this took 92,726,931 years but whatever.
Then the CGI Balls of the Doctor Doing Bad Stuff (TM) appeared, including A MENTION OF THE VALEYARD MY GOD IS IT CHRISTMA–….oh. Showing One, hey, you know you’re a bit of a prat? You’re still a giant prat THOUSANDS OF YEARS FROM NOW! And One seems very upset by this, like, very very panicked and looked to Twelve for guidance, for an explanation and gets none.
A n d i t g o e s n o w h e r e.
It COULD HAVE! But it didn’t! Like, the explanation that’s about to come from One about not regenerating is BS, but if you wanted to give him a legit reason? Like here was a perfect opportunity! One looking at all this horrible stuff he’s going to do in the future? That might give him pause at changing! Like he doesn’t want to become this monster, this Doctor of War, this horrid person. Also he thinks his future selves are buffoons, but besides the funny side, One’s the sort where he takes pride in himself, in his…questionable morals. He wouldn’t like to see what he’s become.
I mean, the parts where this writing allows One to be One are nice. Plus, the line Twelve says about “to be fair, they cut out all the jokes” tickled me. But sweet Jesus One does NOT do THIS MUCH PHYSICAL ACTIVITY! THAT’S WHY WE HAD ACTION WOMEN AND MEN COMPANIONS TO DO IT FOR HIM. Especially because he was just limping and being all old man like on the stairs, and now he’s clinging to chains and jumping down with no physical repercussions. Nah son.
Then the TARDIS is taken away by the Claw Machine game from your local bowling alley, and Bill freaks. But never fear, One’s TARDIS is here and–OH NO IT’S THE WRONG COLOUR CONSOLE. And they replaced the fake wall with hexagons. How dare.
Hi, also, just a thought Doctor, if you’re not busy. Um. Where are your companions?! Ben and Polly! Never seen again! Despite the hype they got! Not important at all, cool, great. Glad…glad we had them.
Twelve pops his sonic specs on One’s eyes, and we have to have our obligatory “hurr durr, grandpa can’t use technology.” He’s not an old daft bugger, he’s not going to judge your guitar playing, he’s not there for you to help across the street.
It’s also why the “What’s browser history?” line doesn’t work. Because if it was a 60s companion like Ben saying it, I could buy it. He’s from the 60s, colour television wasn’t even common yet. One is an alien from a high tech civilization, a scientist, and a man of the universe. My boy could figure it out, or already knows what it is.
We now land in the centre of the universe. And…we’re headcrabs. Crawling around what looks like the broken remains of EPCOT’s Italy pavilion.
Okay again with the freaking Jolly Good smacked bottom line, since everyone who’s never seen Classic Who is holding this up as proof of the First Doctor’s sexism. You know what? I might as well address this now.
The Doctor, the First Doctor has had more sexist lines in this special than he has in his whole tenure. For context on that line about smacked bottom: It the The Dalek Invasion of Earth this line is said to Susan, the Doctor’s granddaughter, who has caused a mess. He’s a frustrated and grumpy, and once it’s said and he grumps off immediately, everyone looks up at him confused and bewildered to his mood. Why? Because this story is also about the Doctor accepting the fact that Susan is not a child anymore, she’s a grown woman. She’s still a child in his eyes, and probably this is something silly that a grandparent would say to their grandkid.
Bill, is a grown ass woman whom the Doctor has barely met and just listened in to their conversation. HE WOULD HAVE NEVER SAID THAT TO A GROWN WOMAN, A STRANGER, OR ANYONE WHO WASN’T HIS FAMILY. He never said anything like that to say, Barbara or Vicki or Cameca or anyone.
He didn’t go around telling women or anyone to pick up after him. That one everyone harbors on from the The Five Doctors is from the 1980s, and is once again an example of what Moffat is doing here. ‘Hurr durr the 60s were so sexist right?’ ACTUALLY Bill Hartnell would actively change the lines if he felt they were inappropriate or sexist. There was a line written about women cleaning and he took one look at it and William Russell and him said: No. Screw that. They reworked the scene.
All of this here was done for cheap laughs, for propping up one era against the other, clearly. He’s a freaking alien who is from time and space not your granddad from the 60s smoking a cigar and yelling at the paper all day.
His lines don’t sound one bit like the First Doctor. The Doctor has a very distinct voice, every Doctor does. One is very interesting because a lot of it relies on Hartnell’s performance and how he ends his sentences and where he emphasizes and where he fumbles (whether on purpose or not).
But it’s not just Hartnell-ness that makes the Doctor the Doctor. He’s inquisitive, grumpy, and kind. He’s a bother, a ball-buster, and sweet. He’s a gentleman and gentle and cold. He is an old man with a spark.
He isn’t sexist. In the slightest. Asking Polly to clean? Are you kidding me? That’s doing Polly a disservice because I can garen-freaking-tee you Polly would laugh, throw the duster at his face, and spin on her heel still laughing.
Also this show was produced and basically held together and created by a woman? A young Jewish woman? Verity Lambert? First directed by a gay Indian man? Warris Hussein? Who had just as much say in the characters?
I used to like Moffat, believe it or not. I got a chance to see him at NYCC 2016 and what he said about how blind casting doesn’t work and you have to make the decision and seek out actors of colour, or different sexuality, etc. was inspired. Which is so important and amazing for him to say in this world of “BLIND CASTING” and “why does this character have to be Latino or black?” and “they were just the right person!!”
But the man has flaws. He’s allowed to be flawed. No one is perfect, especially when writing a television program. ESPECIALLY A SCIENCE FICTION PROGRAM. It’s so hard to be consistent but I think Moffat tried his best and Eleven has a very clear character arc. I think especially here. It’s like he’s breaking down another persons era to boost up his own. Literally. Twelve correcting One. If we want to take on sexism in Doctor Who, why not how Twelve talked to Clara sometimes? Or how we had to do the ex meets current-girlfriend thing with Sarah Jane and Rose? He is trying to put himself above the eras of the past like OH look how far we’ve come isn’t it great?
And yet Sara Kingdom exists. And yet Barbara calls the Doctor out on multiple occasions. I’m not saying the First Doctor era is perfect. It has it’s 60s cringe that you’ve got to look at, sigh, shake your first at history and move on. But that’s a small minority out of the most of it.
For example an episode I enjoy a lot is the The Crusade. Because most refreshingly in the 1960s, neither side of the Crusading Conflict is demonized. It could have been so easy to be, “Saladin is the villian ya’ll” But they DIDN’T. Saladin is seen as intelligent, clever, and quick witted. His plight is clear and understandable. I’d argue that you side more with him than you do with King Richard. Both Saladin and Richard acknowledge that both are just as clever and as strong and honestly respect each other. You see how tired he is of the violence not just against his people but the other side, and how he wants to conflict to end and is even willing to consider a marriage between his brother and Richard’s sister to end the tide of war. They’re both weary men with a passion inside them. It’s so refreshing, and honestly shows today don’t even do this. But it’s the 1960s. So the actors playing those roles are white in makeup. And it’s very uncomfortable. It’s an unfortunate part of the history of cinema and television.
Is the first Doctor an asshole? Hell yeah, especially at the beginning. Did he stop? Yeah, he got so much softer.
I mean…at least they’ve got two things about the Doctor’s character right: His crazy hair and his clock in the TARDIS…which looks…damn good.
It turns out those headcrabs are not from Half-Life 3 but are Daleks out of their casing….never mind the fact they can’t survive without their casing..and don’t crawl…and look like special effects out of the original DOOM. And who turns out to be firing at us? THE GOOD DALEK RUSTY.
W H A T.
There’s a dalek hive mind? He’s been killing daleks he–I give up.
After some An Adventure in Space and Time music, we’re brought back to the battlefield where of course, Mark Gatiss is playing a Lethbridge-Stewart. It turns out we’ve been at the WW1 Christmas Day Armistice this whole time. Never mind the fact that it happened historically at night. Which you can also Google…
With a salute that reminds me too much of the Cyberbrig, the Doctors part ways. The first Doctor is once again changed to fit Moffat’s narrative, instead of his last lines being “Keep Warm” which is..what they ACTUALLY are, it’s changed to something something that Moffat wrote. A repetition of his catchphrase, “the long way round.” NO.
I love the First Doctor’s last lines being “Keep warm” because it’s such a very HIM thing to say. He and his companions have been frozen, attacked by cybermen, he’s fading and what is the last thing he says to them? A very grandfatherly “Keep warm.” It’s so sweet and so genuine and Moffat killed it.
Then Clara appears.
What–Clara–why are you here?
Oh. So the Doctor just…remembers Clara now…w…why? What was the point of forgetting her if we could Deus Ex Glass her back into his mind??
BUT NARDOLE! It’s NARDOLE! And wow I didn’t need to know about Nardole’s nipples.
Was that a The Five Doctors reference I heard? They’ll get it all wrong without me!?
Into the TARDIS the Doctor, our Scottish wonder goes. His speech is one that…honestly I didn’t really think he should have gotten. He deserved something better than telling his future self what to do. What to be. I love that “Doctor, I let you go” line, but the live, laugh, run thing seemed like something you find in your local Etsy shop burned into a piece of wood.
The clock strikes twelve, and the glowy spurts erupt from his finger tips and oh–oh Twelve’s ring fell off! Oh! That’s a reference to when One turned into Two and the ring slipped off Two’s more slender fingers and Ben was like “If you were the Doctor this would FIT!” But all the references in the world won’t make me love you Special.
But THIRTEEN IS HERE! MY GIRL! MY SHINING STAR! Oh and she’s already crashed the TARDIS! The Doctor continuing to do what they do best! Be an utter disaster!
My recommendation? Find Mark’s speech on youtube, and watch the regeneration on the official Doctor Who youtube channel, and save yourself an hour of accomplishing nothing, painful, incorrect characterization, and good actors being wasted. Peter Capaldi/Twelve deserved better. William Hartnell/One deserved better.
Jodie Whittaker is adorable and I look forward to her tenure in the TARIDS.
….Don’t screw up Chibnall. Or I will swim across the ocean and body slam you into Cardiff Bay.
And I am a marvelous swimmer.
Tina Marie DeLucia